


10 things I hate about you

by robin_hoods



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Constipation, Fluff, Fuckbuddies Until They're Not, M/M, Oblivious Jon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-04
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-22 09:38:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/911702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robin_hoods/pseuds/robin_hoods
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon hates Theon. He really does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	10 things I hate about you

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt:
> 
> They're each under the assumption that they're fuck buddies, but each secretly has feelings for the other and are in denial about it.

Jon hates Theon. He hates his casual smile, the tattoo on his left hip, the way he swaggers around as if he owns the place. He hates the dimple in his left cheek, his wonky teeth, the earring in his right ear that Theon once convinced Robb to put there in a drunken stupor. He hates his stupid jokes, and his stupid girlfriends, and the way he'll never be completely Jon's because that's stupid as well (and neither should he stupidly want it).

Ygritte once told him that he knew nothing, but Jon knows for certain that he will always hate Theon, even when he has him pressed into the mattress, panting, moaning his name around his cock. The next day he'll hate the finger-shaped bruises on his hips and the easy way he gave in. He'll hate the breakfast Theon makes (blueberry pancakes), and the way his hand slips around his waist, dipping lower and lower until he's squeezing Jon's arse and smiles as though his hand belongs there. 

Jon hates and hates because he doesn't think he will ever feel a sliver of affection for Theon Greyjoy. This is where Jon is wrong.

“So, are you and Theon dating?” Robb asks one day around a mouthful of cake. He looks quizzical, as if he can't quite wrap his head around his brother and best friend screwing each other's brains out, let alone bring each other flowers on anniversaries and saying mushy things while holding hands. (And Jon wants to set the record straight, they really don't do any of those things, except for the screwing bit. And even that's dubious at occasions.)

Jon chokes on his tea, and droplets fly everywhere. He hurriedly wipes a napkin over the surface of the table and smiles apologetically at his half-brother. “I take it that's a no?” Robb says when he's finished his slice of cake.

“Definitely a no,” Jon agrees, and wipes at his mouth with his hand.

“So have you asked Theon?” Robb asks, playing with his fork until it clatters onto his plate. “I mean, you'd be...”

He doesn't finish the sentence, and Jon frowns. “We'd be what? Please don't say we'd be a cute couple.” Robb is about to open his mouth when Jon continues. “No. You and Roslin? That's cute. Me and Theon? That's a disaster waiting to happen.”

“But have you asked?” Robb presses, and Jon puts his glass down on the table.

“Maybe he should do the asking,” he mutters, and Robb sighs.

“You know it's not going to happen if you wait for him. He thinks you hate him.”

“I do hate him,” Jon says, scandalised. Robb raises an eyebrow. “I do!” he insists, frowning. “He's annoying, and lecherous, and the things that come out of his mouth...”

“You like him,” Robb calmly says. His fork has disappeared somewhere underneath the table, and he ducks to retrieve it. 

“Why in God's name would I?” Jon says.

“For one thing, you can't shut up about him. Theon this, Theon that. 'Hey, Robb, did you hear about this thing Theon did?' Yes, I had in fact heard, Jon. You know why? Theon has my mobile number, on which he occasionally calls me. Do you want to know what he says?” Jon groans into his hands. “He says,” Robb continues, in a fairly good imitation of Theon's voice, “'Stark, I have no idea what to do. There, I said it. Snow is being a bitch, as usual, I don't know why I put up with him.' And I tell him, it's because you love him, and he splutters on the phone for a bit. 'That's not right,' he said, 'I don't know what you're talking about.' So I said, stop being afraid of getting your feet wet, and then I hung up.”

Jon is staring at him, and Robb sighs, again. “Look, both of you are about as emotionally developed as a seacucumber, which is why I'm only going to say this once. Why, if you hate him so much, do you answer the phone in the middle of the night when he calls? Why, if he hates you as much as he claims, does he keep coming back to you? Why do you come back, Jon?”

It's quiet for a moment. “Fuck,” Jon says. Robb smiles brightly at him.

“Glad to do business with you. But, uh, just so you know, Theon already asked me to be his best man if he ever got married.”

Jon really, really hates Theon. He does. He hates how he always leaves his shoes in the middle of the hallway for Jon to trip over in the dark. He hates how he always sleeps on top of the blankets, so Jon futilely has to tug away at them in the middle of the night. He hates how Theon always finishes up the last of the toothpaste and never buys anything new, and uses Jon's without asking.

He hates the lopsided smile Theon offers him when he's baking pancakes early in the morning and Jon comes into the kitchen, bedhead far worse than anything Theon will ever face in his lifetime. He definitely hates how Theon presses their knees together when they're sitting on the couch, watching a movie (he also hates that, halfway through, Theon gets handsy, and they end up fumbling on the couch until Jon can shack off his jeans and Theon can put his mouth on him).

Above all, he hates how Theon can never say that one thing Jon wants to hear.

He loves him anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the fic that spawned the [Benedict Cucumberbatch](http://alyskarsnow.tumblr.com/post/57290120742/benedict-seacucumberbatch-youre-welcome) meme.
> 
> (In our defense, it was really late. And really funny.)


End file.
